Good Effing Question

[via PostSecret]

Quote of the Day

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance" -Oscar Wilde

brought to you by one of my lovely students :)

Do not expect to recieve the love from someone else you do not give yourself

The title of this post is out of bell hook's All About Love, and I have found it to be a major theme that keeps coming up in my life. I recently began a job at a non-profit who believes that caregivers of children need to have support themselves in order to care for others. I've also really noticed people in my life who seem unable to love and really care for themselves, and thus are in no position to give love, or even receive it from others.
When I was in 8th grade, I worshiped the RENT soundtrack (ok, if pressed, I still do), but I remember distinctly being attracted to Roger telling Mimi, "you'll never share real love, until you love yourself-- I should know." It all made sense in my head, but I had no idea what really loving oneself looked like. Now, at 23 and out of college, I can appreciate those lines a little more, partly because I've invested some time into getting to know, appreciate, and love myself and realize how hard it is and partially because of how much I've seen it rings true. If you can't love yourself, who else is? I've seen way too many people try to use others as a means to love, rather than starting with themselves. Others are of course a wonderful means of support, but how can someone else really love you unless you put that investment in yourself?
I admit, there are days when I am not particularly head-over-heels for myself, but definitely, over time, within wonderfully supporting community spaces and growing opportunities, I have for the most part learned to love myself. It's a journey, but totally one worth the effort. I'm not perfect (which is ok) and I have taken steps back, but am proud of the energy I've made towards developing generally positive feelings about myself and trying to give myself the love and care I need and deserve. And only in that state can I be open to giving and receiving love from others.

Marriage is Overrated

I just read an article over at thefrisky about women not wanting to get married. As I mentioned in a previous post, I personally have never really felt a desire to don a white dress and walk down the aisle myself. I know I could do something less traditional or whatever, but the idea of having a wedding and being married really has just never appealed to me. Like the author of the article, I have encountered surprise when I tell people (especially family members) that I don't want to get married. I have been told that I'll grow out of it or that I haven't met the right person, but the gist is that I'll definately change my mind. On the other hand, I had someone once ask me if I wanted to end up alone. I don't think it's a phase and I don't think it's something to grow out of, and that line of thinking really irritates me. It assumes I don't know myself or my goals. It also assumes that my own conscious decision isn't valid and that I just don't know any better. Any time anyone brings up any of the previous statements, I feel like I'm a little kid who has just been told "you'll understand when you're older." I also don't believe not wanting to get married means I don't want a long-term partner. Marriage to me does not even necessarily equate love. I believe that when people fall in love, they should be able to find a relationship that works for them, but their options should certainly not be limited to marriage. To be honest, I don't know what form any of my future relationships will take. If it was really important to my partner, I would even concider getting married. But for me, marriage isn't important, and, despite what our wedding-obsessed culture would have us believe, there is nothing wrong with that.